I’ll Have a Salad and a Line of Coke Please!

pic 2 drugs


It’s been over four chunky weeks since I started my little kick aaaaand i’ve gotta admit that i drank at a festival here in Melbourne called Midsumma. I drank some brandy. Not a huge amount but still.

I’ve found it really easy most of the time and actually looking back over the few weeks I have realised how much I would have drank if I was drinking normally. A lot of it seems pointless. Even going out for lunch with the girls i’d have a glass of something, but thinking about it. Why? It puts weight on, it costs more and one glass really doesn’t do a lot for me anyway. That one drink here and there constantly adds up in cost and weight on my body that really isn’t needed.

Yeah, its nice but is that more of a psychological thing than a physical thing?

Let’s talk about health and alcohol. It’s a toxin. It’s a drug. A legalised and socially accepted one but nonetheless a drug. How many times have you woken up feeling really shitty and unable to move, had a banging headache, were sweating and feeling nauseous?! Nevermind thinking about the crazy nights where we wake up the morning after with a bucket of shame waiting to jump on us as soon as the memory floods.

Our body is a beautiful vessel that loves us, supports us and constantly provides us feedback to what is good for it and what isn’t. I know what’s good for me. Eating well is good, doing yoga is feels good, getting into nature is the best thing ever! We know this because it feeeeeeels good..hence our internal guidance system telling us what is best. And there isn’t a come down to any of these.

Currently, we are the most drugged up and depressed we have ever been as a society in the history of our existence and alcohol isn’t better than any other drug as far as I’m concerned. That might be quite a controversial statement but i believe it’s true.

Whilst doing some research I found out that in 2010 in Australia, 5,554 deaths were caused by alcohol and 157,132 hospitalisations.

Now when it comes to ice (methamphetamine y’all) in Australia in 2010, there were 88 deaths and this has continued to increase.

I’m not saying that ice is better because it causes less deaths.
I understand the difference between the two. I have seen ice addicts and it is horrible what it does to the mind and body. But I have also seen what alcoholism does to the mind and body and it still wastes you away…. Just differently.

My point here is simply to show that we have come to normalise a drug so much that even its high percentage of deaths has become normalised. It seems we have become numb as a society. Or have we as a society become quietly addicted ourselves that even we need a bigger hit to wake us up to certain issues?

Its like anything, once exposed over a period of time, the body needs something stronger. It happens with medicine, with exercise, with ads on tv etc.

At the beginning when we were exposed to kids starving in Africa, it was a shock and i’m sure people jumped on the bandwagon and donated. Years later after constantly being bombarded with ads, it no longer has the same effect. We have become anesthetized and now we need something stronger. Such is the nature of our biological system.

I was talking with a friend the other day after lunch and after coming back from the toilet and looking at all of the drinks on the tables when walking past, I wondered. Why alcohol? Why is it ok to have alcohol on the table and not a line of coke? In spite of weather i have had a few drinks of alcohol or a couple of lines of coke in the past, i still feel seedy when its coming out of my system. They both still affect my cognitive functioning.

Here’s something thought-provoking. The definition of a drug is this:

A drug is any substance other than food, that when inhaled, injected, smoked, consumed, absorbed via a patch on the skin or dissolved under the tongue causes a physiological change in the body.

YET!! When researching, there more often than not seems to be a separation between alcohol and drugs as if they were different. According to the definition of a drug…alcohol IS A DRUG. So, why has it been legalised and other drugs have not.


pic for drugs

The thing about alcohol is this…..

Alcohol, in its purest form is a clear liquid and cannot be consumed raw as it could cause coma and death. (Oh please, pass me a drink will you?!)

‘Alcohol also has other uses such as industrial solvent, car fuel, raw materials and hand sanitizer. Ethanol can also be used for medicinal purposes in the form of an antiseptic to disinfect the skin before injections. Alcohol is also used in order to preserve specimens in scientific fields. Though certain types of ethanol alcohol are good for the body such as wines, excessive amounts of alcohol can cause damage to a person’s body and become addictive. However, studies show that moderate drinking of alcohol can reduce risks of dementia, stroke, cancer and other various health problems due to being rich in antioxidants.’

Industrial solvents?? Car fuel?? Why the fuck are we consuming a substance used in industrial solvents and car fuel? More importantly, why is it legalised and other drugs aren’t? AAAAND if it is beneficial because it is high in antioxidants. I could label about 10 foods that come to mind right now that are also high in antioxidants and have none of the ‘side effects’ that alcohol do!
By the way..that’s a whole other blog post! SIDE-EFFECTS are not SIDE effects. They are simply effects and the term used is a psychological trick in the pharmaceutical industry that allows us to accept them because they are simply ‘little symptoms at the side’, therefore reducing their importance. I call bullshiiiit!

Here’s my answer speaking from experience and as I have said, i love alcohol and i have loved drugs so i’m a sucker for being human and loving the pleasure we get from these drugs and other things in life.

But here’s one perspective to why I think alcohol is legalised.

It keeps us dumbed down.

It keeps us from questioning the nature of reality unlike other drugs such as cocaine, LSD, speed and ecstasy.

When I’m drunk, my brain is not functioning. My responses are slowed down and i become an idiot.

But when I have been on other drugs, all of a sudden i start looking at reality, questioning my existence and looking at society and the planet i live on. I consider alternative dimensions and life forms. And in doing this, I empower and alter myself.

Could it be possible that the few who govern the planet and who have legalised alcohol have done so because they know that it keeps us in low states of consciousness, never questioning our own power because we are too distracted with getting high after work on a friday? Could it be that they know our biological weakness and have preyed upon it for some reason?

At the end of the day. Who actually gets to decide what’s right for us and what’s not? Who gets to say that it’s ok for me to have a shot of tequila to get inebriated but a line of coke isn’t?

Who sits at the table and says yes and no? Who is above that person? Who is at the peak and what are their values and beliefs about life and the nature of reality that we are experiencing?

This is all simple questioning and I am aware that ALL is not absolute. There are many more variations and opinions to this subject and i respect and appreciate them all.

Even knowing all of this I still love a beer and although i don’t take other substances these days, there’s still an old part of me that misses a line of coke. I will after this year have a beer and most likely continue to drink alcohol on the very odd occasion but i can tell you that it won’t ever be the same. I already feel the same way that i did with meat when i gave it up. I have never wanted it in the same way since. Although i imagine a beef gravy dinner tasting nice, I no longer want to actually eat it because my perspective, values and belief systems have changed.

So, for those of you that this resonates with and who are thinking about cutting down the alcohol or even giving up. I encourage you to do so, because what’s on the other side is much more rewarding that any fleeting moments of pleasure.


Peeling Back the Whiskey Layers

It’s been about a week and a half and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. The mountains kind of have that effect. One thing that i’m actually really surprised at is how excited I am for this coming year without alcohol. For some reason ever since I made the decision to ditch the vodka martinis and suck on lemons for the rest of the year (positively speaking!), I’ve felt a strange feeling of relief. I feel like my life is going to be really really awesome. Which is odd because i’ve always thought that drinking actually makes life more fun.


Have you ever noticed that when a big change is coming there are small signs for a while and you will usually notice these coming in repetition over a period of time?

Well, before my decision to quit for one year, i had been meeting people who didn’t drink. What’s even more interesting is that when I was with them and I wanted to drink I would feel a subtle is a sense of boredom with them.

Now, i’m fully aware of that little voice and what it really means. And it means this…

I think i’m boring.

On some level, if i’m out socialising and not drinking. I think that i am boring or that the situation is boring. That fucking sucks.

There are definitely plenty of things that i do with my friends that don’t involve drinking. We go to the hot springs, the movies, the gym, road trips etc. BUT, i am always excited when we can have a drink at lunch or dinner or if we go away for the weekend, i’m the first to say let’s get a bottle of champagne and some beers. I feel like it adds excitement to the experience. Like it makes it better. But actually,thinking of it…that’s like saying that the moment isn’t enough. That it needs to be better.

I don’t actually think that’s true. Not in the grand scheme of looking at life. Life is incredible and there is such beauty to be found in simple moments. So, i ask myself when did i start believing that the moment wasn’t enough? When did i start believing that i needed to add more fire to myself to make the moment sparkle? When did i start believing that I wasn’t enough?

It might seem extreme because most people love a drink and there can be absolutely no harm in it. As i’ve said, i’m the first to be swigging champagne and urging the moment to push me closer to the edge of the wild within. But in examining this i’m starting to question the way i’ve been conditioned to believe the things I do about drinking. I’m examining why I have used alcohol as a way to ‘let go’. Let go of what?? What is is that i’m trying to let go of?

Fear, anxiety, anger?

What is it that I am trying to gain?

Freedom from feeling so deeply, joy, excitement?

Does something that seems so meaningless at times hold a secret for us? Does something we have never really looked at hold a key to reveal another layer of ourselves?

For many of us…maybe not. But for those who use abuse it, I encourage you to look deeper.

New Years Evolution

‘Maybe it wont work out . But maybe seeing if it does will be the greatest adventure ever’

Welcome sista!

On the 1st of January 2018, like many of us I woke up a little shady, one of the many times that I have on new years day but not as bad as previous years though. ( I get flashbacks of being absolutely wasted drinking beer in a hot tub at 8 in the morning followed by crushing up codeine pills to get a high with the guy I found myself with – oh yeah! I don’t intend to hold back during my blogs so if you don’t like raw details about what it means to be human and messy and fucking glorious at the same time then swipe left!) although last year it was spent with my family in the UK and I woke up fresh for the year ahead. Quite the contrast.

I find myself in one of the most beautiful places on earth right now, Whistler, Canada. The views are incredibly breathtaking. And as I sit here on my laptop at funnily enough 11.11am staring out at the snowy peaks of the impressive mountains. (For those of you who are aware of numbers and their apparent meaning can see the humour in this). I’m realising more and more that there has been a very soft niggling feeling chipping away at me slowly. Breaking into my consciousness and causing my ego to battle with that soft hum that tugs gently at my soul. You know the one I’m talking about.

We know when it’s time. Or at least we feel that it is. As much as a part of me doesn’t want it to be I also know that the soft hum will prevail. One of the greatest things about myself is that when I know it’s time to change something, I do it. Even though it’s challenging. I just know its time. That is enough for me.

Looking back at my life, I’ve always danced on the edge of danger when it comes to alcohol. I’ve had more blackouts than I can remember, I have lost bags, phones, friends and self respect. I have woken up with so much shame from my own behaviour that I have sat there wallowing in my own self pity for days.

On the other side of that it has also been dangerous on many occasions but more often than not I have just done something that has been embarrassing or just plain stupid. I’ve had explosive arguments or slept with someone i really wish I hadn’t. (That’s a whole other blog post!), I’ve made myself look stupid in front of guys that I like and i’ve definitely had other people look at me like im a loud, obnoxious psycho. Im realizing that I actually dont even like who I am when i’m drunk

My most dangerous experience was when i was about 24 when i was going through an emotional time. I was young and not very aware. Life was breaking me open to grow and i couldn’t see it at the time. I remember one night wanting to just check out. I caught up with a couple of people I didn’t even care about and drank intensely, and on top of it took some ‘diet pills’ that were laced with speed and the next thing I know I woke up in a hotel room with three women who were asleep and NOT ONE SINGLE memory came back to me. It still never has. It was scary. It was like I had woken up with my memory erased. I didn’t have one single flashback except of taking the pills. I woke the women up and asked what had happened. They had found me in an alleyway disoriented and with two drunk guys close to me laughing and they could see it was not a good situation so they came and got me and took me back to their hotel room with them. I lost my bag and along with it my phone, money and stupidly enough my passport. (Right now for the first time ever, and probably because I am writing about it and remembering. I am crying. I am crying because I am realizing how little I loved and respected myself and how little I knew of my own inner beauty. I wanted to check out of reality so much and valued myself so little that I basically dumped my own body for disposal, and that really really hurts. It is so so sad that I felt that way.)

There have been many other times where it has been dangerous but more often than not I have just done something that has been embarrassing or just plain stupid. I have had arguments or slept with someone I really wish i hadn’t. (That’s a whole other blog post!) This christmas day came crashing down around me. I’ve been emotional for sometime as I have been going through changes which have been painful and beautiful at the same time. Growth usually is. But i continued to unconsciously (and I say that because it was like Tammy had left the building and someone else was in charge) drink a WHOLE bottle of whiskey on top of what I started drinking that morning and afternoon. Needless to say it ended in my tears, blacking out and embarrassing myself. I woke up to the company of shame and realised once again. It was an issue.



In that moment. Something changed. I knew it was one times too many.

Alcohol has also been my gateway to drugs a lot of the time. I’m not going to lie, I’ve had some of the best times ever on both drink and drugs. Some of my funniest and best moments were had when I was intoxicated in some way shape or form and i don’t regret any of them, even the bad ones (well maybe one or two! But that’s just my ego. I know on a higher level that it was all there to teach me and reflect back to me my own self so in the grand scheme of things, I am grateful). I am still here to live and tell the tale and luckily enough for me, humans aren’t made of glass.

But now I want to know more.

I want to know what life would be like without alcohol. What would this cause me to feel? What kinds of discomfort would arise? How would I respond in situations where I would have normally used alcohol as a resource for comfort? What would my body look like without drinking alcohol for a whole year? What kind of people would I start to attract? What would I spend all of that extra money on? What could I do with my time that I had previously spent drinking or being hungover? In what way could this help me to elevate my own awareness and vibration?

I want to know what my life would be like without drinking. From as far as I can remember I have drank to have ‘fun’, numb the pain, take the edge off or gain more confidence.

But why?

Why do we need that? What is it that is there within that we are unwilling to face?

What if all of those things we’re attempting to gain externally through alcohol are the very things that we can connect with internally from taking alcohol out of the equation. If we were to just give ourselves a chance.

After all….everything comes from within.